Tuesday, 17 January 2012

To you, brother

It's coming up to two years since you left. I can't recall ever missing anyone as much as I miss you.

I think of you every single day. Everyday I see something that reminds me of you, or I hear a song you liked and the pain erupts in my chest with the same intensity as it did when I first received the dreadful news you had died.

Life will never be the same without you

No, the pain is not lessening Paulo,and it's nearly two years. What do the experts know? The same experts who say the mourning period lasts 2 years.

But please don't worry about my pain, Paulo - it's not your fault. You would never do anything to hurt me, I know that. You never did.

All I have left of you as a source of comfort are memories, photos and  the occasional precious dream. In my dreams you are very much alive. And I wake up startled, and for a brief moment I wonder if you still are. Then the dreadful truth dawns on me when I pick up my phone to call you.

As you know Mum has gone also. Unexpected, like in your case.  We were unprepared. Not to say that being prepared would have lessened the anguish.

I wrote this poem for you Paulo, as you know, last year. I posted it then, but feel the need to do so again. Please forgive the repetition. I know you will forgive me - you always did.

The space you filled among us, remains empty
The air you breathed is laid to waste
The joy you gave us, no longer flows
The laughter you brought has fallen silent
The love you spread now fills a void in our hearts
The grave you  fill now has your selfless attention
And the spring blossom awaits your precious gift
For the flowers will reflect your essence
With their resplendent colour and fragrant scent
And we will admire the flowers like we admired you.
And in our minds and those of our children
Your eternal flame will glow bright and warm
To light up the hours of darkness
And bring comfort to our winters of discontent

***
See you in my dreams, Paulo.

I love and miss you.

:(

8 comments:

  1. i've had those dreams too, and it is always strange that moment when you wake because you really truly forget that they have died, but only for that brief moment.
    your brother sounds like he was a great guy.

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    1. Thank you id, he was a great guy - his funeral was attended by hundreds of people, too many to count - they all loved him.

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  2. What about the briefest of moments when your heart stops dead in your chest while your brain struggles to comprehend how that stranger appearing in a crowd could be your dearly departed. And then they both breathe a sigh of grief when they understand it's not.

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    1. Angeline, it has happened to me also, once. :)

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